From Despair to Deliverance: A Jewish Woman's Journey

Chapter 1: Early life and struggles I am always excited about having the opportunity to share my story. It's my story and it helps me to remember exactly what God has done in my life from the very beginning and even encourages me knowing that I was chosen by God before the foundations of the earth. And if you were to ask me when I was growing up whether I could ever imagine feeling that loved or that accepted or that sought after by God, I would not believe you. I grew up I was in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts in a completely Jewish community and it was I was born in 1952 and that was not long after the Holocaust. So my entire childhood I was aware of anti-semitism, the hatred of the Jewish people for no reason that we could understand and what had come out of Hitler and the horrors of the Holocaust. That was always there in my mind. I always was afraid that it would happen again. And then when I was even a little bit older, it was the time of the Bay of Pigs and then and the cold war with Russia and the threat of nuclear attack and the end of World War II had been and so people were talking about going under your seat and you know there was a lot of danger in this world and a lot of things to make a child afraid. And so my childhood certainly had happy moments and I lived in a a very nice neighborhood and I h I didn't want for things but deep down inside I never felt safe and I never felt I never felt safe but I always knew I don't ever remember not believing that there was a God. I knew there was a God. I knew that I was Jewish and I knew that we were a people that have been chosen by God in history and I knew the history of our people. We read through the the Tanakh, the Hebrew scriptures. I went to Hebrew school. I was bach mitzvah age 12. I didn't have to be back then. My older sister was 5 years older and they didn't allow it for girls in her age. But when it came to my age, we got the choice. And I said absolutely. In fact, what I wanted more than anything was the big Bible that my brother had gotten for a gift from my uncle for his bar mitzvah three years before mine. And it was a beautiful gold thick coffee table, the Torah and all of the Hebrew scriptures illustrated and and I love that Bible and I couldn't wait to be Bach Mitzvah and get my very own. And by the time that it came around for me, my uncle didn't give me one for my as a gift. And I was highly disappointed. It was the only thing that I wanted. But I'm grateful because years later, my brother gave me his and it sits in a very honored position in my living room even to this day. I love remembering that. I love knowing that that's still in my living room and that [clears throat] my commitment to the God of Israel always existed. But I believed that God existed and I believe that he was the creator of the world, but I didn't believe that he could ever love me. I don't think I ever felt worthy and I always knew that I didn't do enough to merit God's love and belonging. I always wanted to belong to him. And so I sought him. I thought if I could just do more, be more observant, practice Judaism better, then maybe God would welcome me into his family and that I would feel that relationship. I knew this was God that spoke to Abraham. He spoke to Moses. He spoke but he didn't speak to me. And and where did that come from, Carol? The belief that it you were not good enough. Was that just you like where did that I'm not sure why I felt that I wasn't good enough. I think it was probably out of my family and just the family dynamic but I can't pinpoint anything. I just knew that I was afraid and that there were many things to be afraid of and would God protect me? Would I be safe in this world? And so growing up, I remember having a lot of fears and a lot of what I thought later was depression, Chapter 2: Despair and addiction but it wasn't. I discovered what it really was was despair. That there was no hope. There was no hope for this world. There was no hope for me. I didn't think that I would be ever be able to grow up and be a functional adult and earn my own living and make my own way in this world. And so every day was a struggle. And by the time I was in my late teens and early 20s, I remember thinking, I don't know how I'm going to get through 50 or 60 or 75 more years of this that if asked on any particular day, I just wanted it to end. And if I could go to sleep and not wake up, that would be what I would choose without pain, of course. But God had me continued to live and I got my degree and I had a very successful career in the healthcare industry and owned a beautiful little condominium and a little red sports car and I was actually at that point in graduate school at Brandeise University working on a PhD in healthcare policy. On the outside, you would have looked at me and said, "Wow, she's she's arrived." You know, she's achieved. She's made it. But on the inside, there was a hole that was growing bigger and bigger and bigger. And it was more and more concerning to me because I had everything that people would want, but I didn't it wasn't what I wanted because really what I wanted was a relationship with God. that went further than going to synagogue and observing the law and trying to do my best and trying to earn his favor. And so, like many people from my background, I grew up conservative. My mother's family were more orthodox and more religious. I kind of didn't go to synagogue after I got out of my home. It was pretty expensive to be a member and I didn't really want do that. And so I was living and in the process of getting older, I developed an eating disorder and that began to get very out of control in my late 20s. And so if anybody knows about addiction, I truly was addicted to flour and sugar. Those were the two substances that when I ate it, I would not stop and I would just crave more and more and more and more. And so my life on the outside looked okay, but I was very isolated, preferred being alone, and I would spend a lot of time just by myself and eating. And it wasn't until I'm trying to remember how Chapter 3: The road to recovery in 1987, I started to go to a 12step program for compulsive overeating, and I began working the steps. And while I was in graduate school, I was studying for my comprehensive exams and I was concerned that I might not pass one. So I hired a tutor who everybody had told me about. His name was Chris and he was probably one of the most intelligent people I had ever met at that point. Might he might even still be. He continued his career at Brandeise and had a very successful career. But I met Chris and we became friends and he is the first person that told me that he was born again Christian. I had never met one. I did meet I knew people who were but they never told me about Jesus. And he was the first one that told me that he and his family were Christians. And I learned about it because they had their third child, Matthew, and he was born with some pretty severe birth defects. And that would have devastated me. I would not have known how to handle that. But I watched him walk through that with a peace that surpassed all understanding. It was truly remarkable to see him live in a way that I remember thinking whatever that is, that's what I need in my life. But I didn't come to faith at that point. I still had my road to go. And so my addiction was getting worse and worse till I finally ended up in the 12step program for compulsive overeating and working the steps. And that's when my life really began to change because the first step is to admit that I am powerless over food and later I learned over people, places, things I am powerless. But then the miracle is that step two says that I came to believe that there is a God who can restore me to sanity. And I went, "Oh, well that I already know there's a God." But this was a God that was going to restore me to sanity. And to do that, I had to recognize that what I was doing was insane. It was not normal. It was not healthy. And that there if I could just call on the power of God, I could have some victory over this. And step three, it's it came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And it didn't identify that power as God, but I already knew that there was a God. And so it kind of began to reconnect me with the God of my childhood. And then step three was made a decision to turn my will in my life over to the care of God as I understood him. And step a later step says praying only for knowledge of his will and power to carry that out. So I was very serious about working my program and I got to making amends to people that I had harmed. I taken inventory of the things that I had done and the character issues that I really needed God's help to correct. And when I get to step nine and you're in the middle of making amends, the program teaches that these promises begin to come true. And the promises are that you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And you are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness and you are going to comprehend the word serenity and you will know peace. And I thought, wow, I can't wait to get there. But I couldn't actually believe that these promises could come true. At least not for me, not in my life. But as much as I began to work those steps and every day I had a liturgy. Every day I would get up and I would say the serenity prayer. God grant me serenity to accept what I can't change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the difference. And then I would recite the first three steps and add a prayer. God, show me your will and give me the power to do it. And I promise that I'll do it no matter what. And I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that it was not God's will that I kill myself with the food. And so I was able to put it down. And that was the beginning of freedom. And I put down the food and I began to feel that new freedom. And I began to feel and experience those promises coming true. And it was in the midst of that that I met my friend Chris. And when he Chapter 4: Discovering faith in Jesus told me about Jesus, I was intrigued. He knew more about my Bible than I did. He could name all the kings of Israel. And yet his faith was stronger than anybody I had ever met. And so at one point I decided that I was going to ask God if it was true about Jesus, if he really was the Messiah of Israel. And because I kept getting a sense that there was something that I was missing, something that I wanted. But I knew that I knew that I knew that I was Jewish. And as a Jewish person, Jesus was not for us. And I understood why. I understood that for most Jewish people the history of the church was not a kind one and be with the inquisition and with the Holocaust and much of it happening in the name of Christianity and I didn't realize that not all Christians who profess to be Christian are born again that their faith doesn't live out because Jesus Yeshua is Jewish he was Jewish and he never rejected the Jewish people. And the New Testament never says that the Jewish people are rejected. In fact, he died for the Jewish people. And he came for the Jewish people first. And the and the church knew that the gospel was first to the Jew and also to the Gentile. That God loved all of us. And that's what I wanted. I wanted a world where Jews and Gentiles were together, not where we were divided and against each other. But I just wanted peace. I wanted shalom. wanted to live in a world that was the way the world was intended to be. And so Chris challenged me and I began to pray and ask God to show me if this was true because how could I believe in the God of the enemy of my Jewish people? So I began to pray, "Show me your will and if it is true about Jesus, show me. And if it is not true about Jesus, do not let me believe this." Because the last thing as a Jewish person I would ever want to do is to believe in an idol, believe in a false god and to follow a false god. That is reading the Torah. That's like the worst thing that as a Jewish person you could possibly do. So God, just show me if Jesus is not you, if he is not the Messiah, if he is not the one who died for me and that I should follow, protect me. Don't let me go there. But if he is and you show me, I promise I will do your will. Because I had learned that whenever I chose to do God's will, even in the very moment around a piece of food, that there was joy and there was victory and there was life. And when I choose not to do God's will, there is not that. And it disappears. And so I prayed that prayer every day for 21 days. I learned somewhere that 21 days is a good time frame. And at the end of those 21 days, I was having coffee with my friend Chris. And he looked at me and he said, "You know what, Carol, I think you're ready to accept Yeshua to Jesus as your savior." And if you've read the New Testament and you know the story of when Miriam Mary when she was pregnant with Yeshua and went to her cousin Elizabeth and when she went in, the spirit within Elizabeth leapt in her. That's how I felt. I I could feel it now talking about it. There was something that went, "Oh, wow. I think I already have." And Chris said, "I think you have, too." And we rejoiced and I thought, "Wow, I really now I I really do have it all. I have a great job, a beautiful condo, a little red sports car, and Jesus, too. What else could I want?" And I thought that I had arrived. Well, I hadn't arrived. It was only just beginning. I Chapter 5: Answering the call had just started that journey of what that means to believe in Jesus and what it means to follow him. And so, I didn't tell my family for 9 months. I knew that that was never going to be an easy thing for them to accept and it and certainly it was not. It took years for those relationships to be healed and restored and gratefully, thank you, God, they are today, but there was I knew that it would be a very difficult thing for them to accept. And I didn't tell them until I re understood and realized that God had called me to leave everything and do something completely just out of my wildest imagination that I knew that God was calling me to the Jewish people. And so I thought that he was telling me to sell my house, quit my job, and move to Israel and begin to tell people about Jesus. But I was very fortunate. I had gotten myself involved with a very good church congregation and I went to three wise counselors which I had been encouraged to do. And each one of them told me the exact same thing. And it was so surprising to me because they each said, "Don't do anything for 6 months. If it's a real calling, that call will still be there 6 months from now. Get ready. Begin to learn Hebrew. begin to get to know Israel, make some plans as if you were going, don't go for 6 months. And it was during those 6 months that God closed the door for me to go to Israel. Because it was during those 6 months in 1989 that the Supreme Court in Israel said if you were follow if you were Jewish and you can make aliyah, you can become an instant citizen of Israel if you're if you're Jewish by birth. But the only exception was if you had put your faith in Jesus because that meant that you were following another God and you were no longer a part of the Jewish community and no longer qualified to make aliyah. And I knew that I couldn't make that move if I wasn't able to do that. And I wasn't willing to deny that my faith. And so I just accepted that as God's plan for me and closed the door. and he began to open other doors into ministry and I began to step walk through them and my friend Chris and I would talk about this calling and I was scared to death. You know the fear that I mentioned as an early child never went away even after I came to faith in Jesus. I still had anxiety. But when I began when I read through the New Testament and I I read through the whole Bible very quickly after coming to faith and read through the New Testament and I latched on to Philippians 4:es 6 and 7. Be anxious for nothing but in all things by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests before God. and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And that prayer became my mantra so that I would experience anxiety and I would pray that prayer and it would you know kind of calm down. But once I'd stopped praying that prayer there it was again. o I was constantly reciting that scripture and the scripture following it of how to fix your eyes on things that are good and right and beautiful and the God of peace will be with you. But that word peace that I could just have shalom and not be anxious and not worry all the time. And God took it away on a street corner in New York on a summer night in Chapter 6: Ministry and deliverance 1990 as I was handing out gospel literature and and I was praying. Oh, well, let me go back for a minute because I forgot when Chris and I were talking and he kept saying, "well, what are you going to do if you get accepted?" And I thought, "I'm just praying that this is an Abrahamic test. He just wants to know that I'm willing to go. He's not actually going to make me do it." And I went and it was with the ministry of Jews for Jesus. And I was in the interview and they asked me, "What will you do if you're not accepted?" And I said, "I'll go and I'll go home to my to my comfortable life." But I knew that I knew that I knew that I had to say yes to God and to step out and do his will. And I did. And it was not easy. And so the idea of being on the streets talking to Jewish people about Jesus is never a comfortable thing for people to do at the beginning. And some people never get used to it. And so on the street I was praying, God, you're the creator of the universe. You can make me invisible. But instead, he sent a street preacher who began to open the Bible, preach his heart out, and I literally felt elevated off the ground. And I saw a young woman and she came over and I asked her if I could talk to her about Jesus. And I asked her if she believed that he died for her. And she said, "Yes." "Do you believe that he rose from the dead?" "Yes." "Hi for her sins." And she said, "Yes." And I said, "Have you ever accepted him as your Messiah, as your savior?" And she said, "No." And I went, "Well, is there anything reason why you should shouldn't right now?" And she said, "No." I said, "Would you like to pray with me to receive him?" And she said, "Yes." And I went, "Really?" Like, it never occurred to me that anybody would ever do that with a stranger on the street in New York City, but she did. And when she prayed to receive him, there were literally tears. And it felt like watching scales fall from her eyes as something supernatural happened. And I went, I know what you're feeling because that it's a supernatural event. It's not something that I can make happen. It's not something that doing all of the mitzvot in Judaism commandments and good deeds can earn me that place and that merit. It only is God who who does it all and I'm just a willing recipient sharing the good news with people about what God had done for me. Well, that started. I joined that the staff in 1990 and I've been with the staff ever since. And I I have had the adventure of my life and I talked to a lot of new people that are coming on staff and say, you know, this story of following Jesus is not a simple story and it's not a fast story. And I felt like God had taken me and said, "It took you long enough to get here. Let's go." Because it literally felt like a rocket ship had taken off in how quickly he had to prepare me for the ministry that he was leading me into. and the ministry that he wanted me to do. And so today I have literally been around the world. I have shared the gospel and I have seen people come to faith who are Jewish, who are not Jewish, who are young, who are old, who are religious, who are not religious. I've seen them there. I've seen eyes open. And the kind of healing that God brings is it's a little bit of a of a long and winding road. When I look back at the heroes of our faith, from Abraham to Isaac to Moses to Jacob to David to to Paul to Yeshua, none of them had an easy life. There are ups and downs. There are dry spells. There are famines. And there are mountaintop experiences. And yet there is I'm grateful to say that the one constant is the peace that surpasses all understanding that I know that I know that I know that I know that he really is the Messiah and that one day I will see him face to face but I have seen him and I've walked with him and I've had communion with him and I've had fellowship and there is a family. Amen. Amen. So what has it been like now on the other side of having overcome fear and anxiety or what can you tell us a little Chapter 7: Overcoming fear and anxiety bit about that? So it's a little bit so my fear and anxiety when God delivered me that night I didn't notice I didn't realize that he had delivered me in that moment but I was writing keeping a journal that summer and sometime later I was reading my journal and I went he took away that anxiety and it has never come back and I've now been with the ministry for over 35 years and it has never come back and I've been in situations where things were dangerous, but I've not felt fear. And some people think that that's courage, but in reality, it was a deliverance. So, I don't feel the fear. And I'm grateful because God gives me people that go, "Carol, don't stay there." Like, get out of there. Cuz I don't barely see it. I just walked trusting him and watching him do miracle after miracle in bringing me out of situations that might have been dangerous but they weren't dangerous for me. Wow, that's beautiful. [sighs] Carol, who is Jesus to you? So Jesus has been well, he is God first and foremost. I know that Jesus is God come in the flesh. And some of the Jewish people that I work with today really doubt that. And so I've had a lot of interesting times talking to Jewish people about that reality because as a Jewish person, we're always taught that God that God can't be a man and that no man could ever become God. And I know that God can manifest in any way that he chooses. in a burning bush, as an angel, as a man, as however he chooses to do that. But I also know that Jesus is that that sacrifice that we observe in insufficient ways on Yumkapur. I know that he is the one that died to pay the penalty for our sin once and for all, not in an annual ritual, but that all of what Judaism was was pointing towards the coming of the Messiah in Jesus. I know that he is the one that rescued me. I know that he is the one that walks with me. I know that he is the one that will who began a good work in me and will carry it on to completion. So in those hard moments, I know I know where I'm going and I know that no matter how I'm experiencing life in the moment that he is going to get me there. So he's my savior. He's my friend. He's my father. He's my husband. He's my God. Amen. What word of encouragement or hope, wisdom, what word in general would you give someone that may be watching this right now and and is a Jewish person that is following Jesus, but they're experiencing push back. they're experiencing loss in in some way in their life. and and it may be a a difficult time right now. It could be that they're in the beginning you know stages of their walk. what if if there's anything you can offer of encouragement? I will say that in the hardest moments of my life, those sometimes have been the most precious because those are the times that I have felt Jesus come and stand right next to me, put his arm around me and say, "Thank you for being here. Thank you for your willingness to do my will above all things. Thank you for the for taking the risk of telling your family. And I also will say that often times we ask God I've done this many many times. God why and when why are you doing this? What is going on? And I always imagine him saying sometimes he tells me and sometimes he says I'll tell you later and later always has come. like there's a point that I go, "Oh, now I understand why you did that. I didn't understand it in the moment." So, I have a little catchphrase that I use often with other people. I say, "But God." You know, we we see it this way, but God. And God has another plan. I mean, imagine Joseph sitting in a prison cell after he had a dream and vision of God elevating him. And he was there for over a decade. Imagine him saying, "I don't understand this, God. What are you doing?" And God will say, God says, "Yeah, but God had a plan." And only later at the very end of the book does Joseph say, "What man planned for evil, God meant for good." Because God is in the business of taking what people mean for evil and turning it into good for those who love him or who are called by his name. And so I've seen that happen. I know that that's true. And because I've lived long enough to see it happen multiple times, I can say you can have confidence that whatever you're feeling today will pass and the mountaintop will pass. Because a very wise man once told me early on in my ministry, he said, "Just remember, Carol, nothing grows on the mountaintops. All the deep growth, all the green grass happens in the valley. The mountaintop, nothing grows. It's rock." And we go there for those moments of encouragement. We go there for moments of strengthening. But we go there so that we're going to be able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil. For God is right there with us. And his rod and staff, those disciplines are there to protect us and to guide us and to grow us. But he is he's everything. He's the good shepherd and he cares for his sheep and he comes after you. He comes after the 99. The one. He leaves the 99. Comes after the one because of how how much his love is. And it's remarkable that he can have that for all of us who know him and love him all at the same time. Thank you, Jesus. Chapter 8: Closing prayer and wisdom Carol, could you pray for those that may be watching your testimony right now and are ready to give their lives to Jesus, to surrender and say yes that they've identified with parts of your story, whether it's people that are battling an eating disorder even right now. people that are stuck in in in anxiety and in despair and and people that have said this is just the way I am or this is just how my life will always look. I I think it's impactful that God did it and you didn't even notice for a little bit there. But it's it's so beautiful cuz that is God. That is he's so faithful. And so if you could just pray for those that are ready to just say yes. Mhm. Aino Malcolo, our father and our king. Thank you for your goodness, for your grace, for your kindness, for your salvation, Lord, and for your infinite love that can surround all of us who seek you. Lord, we thank you that you will that anyone who seeks you with their whole heart will find you. And we pray Lord together here today to for those who are seeking you and for those who desire you and for those who know and believe that you truly truly are the God of the universe and the savior of the world. We pray that those who have come to believe, Lord, would would be willing to enter in to that eternal covenant relationship with you. So we pray that you will show them and that they will say yes and that they will take that step and that risk. Lord would you bring them into family into real family of believers Jewish and Gentile who will love them, embrace them, walk with them, care for them and lead them and guide them in the way that they should go in accordance with your will. God, stir their hearts just as you did with the disciples on the road to Emmas. Show yourself to them and allow their their hearts to burn with love and recognition of all that you are. Be the savior of all of Israel and all of the world, Lord, today in Yeshua's name. Amen. Amen. Do you have any last words for those that are watching your testimony right now? Just keep persevering. Just one day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time, one act of obedience at a time. And remember that even when we mess up, he's right there. And he doesn't love you any less.

From Despair to Deliverance: A Jewish Woman's Journey

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